Last night, I was talking with one of my clients about her experiences with dating. She explained the frustrations with the online world of dating. She would contact or be contacted by someone. A few emails would be exchanged. Maybe there was the hint of an appointed date for a phone call or a visit. Then, nothing. The guy would disappear into thin air.
She's a very polite woman. She emailed a few of them to follow up on what they said but has not received responses. Hmmm. What's a nice girl to do?
This isn't the first time I've heard about the frustrations of online dating. Another client told me about how she connected with someone she had met on Match.com. They had a few dates. She found herself liking him more and more - then boom. Gone. He never called back and she saw his profile listed on another online dating site. It hurt.
We all know relationships are risky and can cause pain. Still, we endure because we realize that the risk must be taken in order to find love. Is there a way you can minimize the pain?
I believe there is. Honest communication is part of it and realistic expectations is another. When you're looking online, realize that you are doing so with a vast variety of people. Some are considerate and some are not. Some are rude and others nice. I almost wish I could place a card above women's computers that would read: FOR YOUR SAFETY, KEEP YOUR ARMS, LEGS, AND HEART IN THE CAR DURING THIS RIDE. Caution is the word for the day.
Keep your expectations low - which means, don't assume anything. Don't assume if he's answered your email or "winked" at you, that it will lead to anything meaningful. Take it for the what it is - which is a very light acknowledgement that you seem interesting. Everyone has their own measuring stick when it comes to "interesting," so don't take it too personally if nothing comes from it.
I'm still thinking about the communication part. I admit I would love for women to be blatantly honest with men in requesting a more gentle treatment when he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with her. But I know the way (most) men act. They really don't want to hurt a woman but in the midst of not wanting to hurt her, they hurt her. Suddenly dropping off the radar when a woman is thinking something is developing is cold.
However, many men would rather have a root canal without anesthesia than take the time to tell a woman a blossoming relationship just isn't going to flower.
So consider a blossoming relationship just that. Blossoming. There is no guarantee it will flower and it will be good if you refrain from investing all of your energy and focus on it. When you're going out on those first few dates with a man, remember your other interests and relationships. Focus on connecting with your friends. Continue going out with other people. Investigate new groups and activities. View yourself as a lovely butterfly, going from flower to flower. Think light.
Meanwhile, I'll be working on how to get my revolution going in this often sticky arena!
This would be a prime "Revolution Moment" while having a bad first date with someone. Here's my dream script:
To the 220 lb. man:
"Bob, weight is an issue in our culture - like it or not. There are many men who like big women and women who like big men. The key to finding out is being honest. You weren't. Be honest with the next woman and let the chips fall where they may. I wish you the best in your search. Thanks for the drink."
To the "architect" bartender:
"Greg, you told me you were an architect. You are not. Would you want to buy a home that wasn't designed by an architect but instead press-molded at some mobile home factory? No. I'm frustrated that you weren't truthful and frustrated that you're eating my food. Next time you're on a date, be yourself. Sooner or later, the other person is going to discover who you really are and you'll waste less time that way. Speaking of wasting time, I don't care to do that myself. Have a good night and good luck with your search."
What would the dating world be like if we really started to say such things? Seriously. I'm wondering how many have honestly expressed their frustrations to the other person across the table or do they keep them mostly to themselves?
Posted by: M.R. Maguire | May 31, 2005 at 06:18 AM
I wish I had the experience of men contacting me and then disappearing. I've dated online exclusively since 1997 and the stories I can tell you. Guys who are 5'8, 220 pound but claims to be stocky not fat, the man whose wife emailed me about her existence, the guy who said he was an architect and turned out to be a bartender who ate all my food while he ordered and paid for a soda.
Posted by: Teri | May 30, 2005 at 11:54 AM
Hey, I love that! (The Force, and all...) Thank you very much, Jan, for your comment. Yes, it's a very fascinating subject to me since I married at a later age in life. Plus, the male/female dynamic has always had my attention from the moment I realized as a young girl that boys were different. (!) Thanks for stopping by and hope you're enjoying a beautiful life.
Posted by: M.R. Maguire | May 26, 2005 at 06:39 AM
I saw your blog on the recently updated list - May The Force Be With You. I think it is an interesting subject. All the best, JK
Posted by: Jan Kallberg | May 25, 2005 at 06:49 AM